Top 10 Reasons I Will Not Survive the Apocalypse

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I made a mistake last night. A big one. I watched Countdown to Apocalypse: Maya Messengers on the History Channel. In case I didn’t have enough to worry about, I am now officially in freak-out mode. I have joked about the Maya calendar ending on my blog and with my family for months now. It is a running joke that we are meeting in Texas in case anything happens because according to my sister all the disaster movies have Texas and Mexico surviving the end of the world (no offense to Texas, but I’m not sure I would like this world very much).

I am writing this as a warning. Please DO NOT watch this show, especially if you are scared of:

  1. Solar flares
  2. Coronal Mass Ejections (plasma hurled from the sun)
  3. Magnetic Pole Reversal OR
  4. People who can’t wait to prove that they are able to survive in the wilderness with big guns, basic tools, sticks, leaves, and mud.

I don’t know if December 21, 2012, will be the start of the end of civilization as we know it, or just really stressful because it is one of the last shopping days before Christmas. Regardless, I have determined that it doesn’t matter how many cans of food I hoard or how many led candles I stock-up on. I will NEVER be prepared to live in this new post-apocalyptic era because I am a spoiled suburbanite without any survival skills. I cannot start a fire without matches or a lighter. I have never hunted (or even touched a gun). I do not like being dirty, cold, or hot. And I like that if I don’t feel like cooking or grocery shopping I can drive a few minutes to any establishment that takes my little debit card.

Here are the Top 10 Reasons I Probably Will Not Survive the Apocalypse (regardless of the supplies my father sent me):

  1. I like to drink water you can see through. Not the muddy from the stream variety.
  2. I do not like being dirty. Cleaning “just the important parts” is not a good enough option.
  3. I am scared of the dark (more than bugs). It is really true that I have a nightlight in every bedroom and the upstairs hallway, just in case I have to tend to a child in the middle of the night.
  4. I hate to sleep in socks or with the blankets tucked-in, so I need the temperature in my room (notice I did not say tent) to be exactly right.
  5. As much as I hate to do laundry, I cannot give-up using the machine that does this important task (refer back to #2).
  6. I have a brown thumb. There is a reason I do not have any house plants. I have a real problem keeping anything green alive.
  7. I just know I will get confused and eat the poisonous berries.
  8. I hate violence or confrontation, so the idea of fighting for my food, my territory, or just for the last roll of toilet paper makes me want to curl in a ball.
  9. Speaking of toilet paper, I need it. As well as a pristine bowl to place myself upon.
  10. I would go into withdrawal without the Internet, my cell phone, or the ability to distract my kids with a quick DVD.

What would be the hardest thing for you to give-up if we had to live like our families did generations ago? Would you be able to live off the land and give-up the things many of us consider basics like running water, electricity, and ATMs? Do you feel grateful to live in a place with these things right now (because there are many places in the world lacking in these basics)? Please leave a comment below or join the discussion on the Tiny Steps Mommy Facebook page.

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Comments

  1. I always tell my husband that I would be dead in like a month. I have no outdoor living skills, and even though I’m confident in the human ability to adapt to things like no cell phones, we don’t have any knowledge of what is OK to eat or how to kill and clean a wild turkey. I’m a goner.

    • I know I could go without many luxuries. But, you are right. Where would we start? Some people have been exposed to hunting and gathering. I’ve only learned how to use coupons at various grocery stores. Not sure that is very useful in certain situations.

  2. No TV? No sports? No NFL??? No Way!!!

  3. I WILL not watch any of the end of the world shows. I don’t do well with that sort of information. I worry a lot! Years ago I read an article in Reader’s Digest about terrorists trying to kill people with viruses and I don’t think I slept for weeks!

    Considering I have taken no steps to prepare for the end of the world, I’m pretty much doomed. I couldn’t even find a handheld can opener the last time we lost power.

    • I hear you completely. I finally put all my candles and matches in the same place. Then I freaked out because I didn’t know if that’s what I’m supposed to do. Should they be in the same drawer? What if one match lights and it all goes up? Too much over-thinking. I prefer to slumber in sweet ignorant bliss!

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