Losing Daddy

Grief is like a heavy invisible fog that settles around you and lifts you from the earth. You float while everyone else keeps on walking as if nothing has changed. But for you and your family everything is different.  Nothing else matters. The bank, your job, your bills, the dishes, the laundry… it all feels wrong. The sadness behind your children’s eyes feels wrong. No one should feel that pain, but especially not them. Not now. Not ever. Yet, comforting them feels impossible, because how can you make them feel better when you are still floating?

I thought I was prepared. I knew logically it was going to happen. He knew it was going to happen. And as a man of science and logic, he could predict every step. He knew when it was time. He knew when his body couldn’t handle one more minute of pain and torture inflicted on him by the invader called Cancer. He knew. We knew. But we were NOT ready. We were NOT okay letting go and losing Daddy. It is hard. So hard that there are no words.

I Will Always Remember Daddy

I will never forget the man I met when I was a child. The man who opened his heart to a single mother with three little girls and embraced all of us as his own. He only referred to us as his daughters because we were – regardless of what DNA says. The person who was one of the most influential men in my life. I can hear his voice in so many things – from the way I load the dishwasher to the way I look at the world. I watched him when my youngest sister was born. The way he parented shaped me. He is the reason I selected a partner who always puts family first, keeps me laughing and makes me roll my eyes. He is my children’s beloved Pop-Pop who made jokes and loved to see the glee in their eyes when he demonstrated his magic tricks. He is missed and loved and missed and remembered.

Our hearts have the amazing capacity to grow and capture an endless amount of love. What no one tells you is that once you make that space in your heart you can never close it because love lasts forever. Beyond death.

The space in my heart reserved for Daddy is huge. He will always be here with me. Just as he will always be with all his daughters, his grandchildren, his son-in-laws, his friends, his extended family and his wife – my mother.

His soul lives on within each of our hearts because that is what he deserves. He didn’t deserve to be taken so early. He didn’t deserve to be attacked by Cancer. He was only 58 years old. He should have been with us much longer. He should have been here to meet more grandchildren and see my youngest sister graduate from college. This makes me so angry and sad. This is what I need to make peace with. This is what makes the fog feel so heavy.

I cling to the memories and love now. I hold my family tighter. I say I love you louder. I will not take one second for granted.

I love you Daddy… now and forever.

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About 

Nicole Dash is a writer, blogger and business owner who lives in the suburbs outside Washington, DC with her husband and four children. She started her career as a journalist and copy editor. She also managed public relations and corporate communications for a national franchise company, but in 2009 started a home-based daycare. Nicole has enjoyed success as a small business owner and is a leader within the child care community in Northern Virginia. In 2012, she began her heartfelt blog, Tiny Steps Mommy, where she writes about family, life, parenting and finding herself amid the chaos. She is an active member of the Washington, DC blogger community and is listed on the blogroll of more than 20 local blogs. Nicole is also a Huffington Post Blog Contributor and writes for The DC Moms. She is extremely social and loves connecting on Facebook and Twitter.

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Wonderful

  2. Beautiful

  3. Nicole, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

  4. Nicole, I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you and your family. What a beautiful tribute to a wonderful man.

  5. Tears. Tears. Eloquent as always, even in grief. We are thinking of you all. Much love from the Hoffman family.

  6. Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. There are so many parallels here to what I went through as well. My Daddy, also named Steve, 60 years old, we lost him to cancer exactly 2 years & one week ago. There will never be anyone who can replace him & yes there will always be a Steve-shaped hole in you. But eventually you’ll get used to a new normal. But such a great loss does other things for you. It deepens you as a person, makes you more reflective & you’ll find yourself smiling when you remember all of the things he taught you, his words will become even more important & they will continue to help guide you through life even in his physical absence. But even 2 years from now, you’ll still cry but you’ll be ok. Hugs & love to you from someone else who survived it. Just hang in there for now. xo

    • Dear Nicole,

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I can understand the grief you are feeling right now because I also lost my dad a few months ago. Like you, I thought I was prepared, we knew it was going to happen. But what the mind accepts and prepares for, the heart can’t. One day it will though. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

      Mitty

  7. So sorry, Nicole. I’m so glad you have photos of him with your family. Your post made me tear up because my Dad was also called Pop-Pop by my kids (and was also a Steve). He’s been gone 7 1/2 years but it still feels like yesterday.

    Thinking of you all.

  8. I can’t imagine what you are going G though. Prayers.

  9. Sheila Lo Monaco says:

    Im sorry for your loss, may God bless you and your family my prayers are with you.

Trackbacks

  1. […] hate that when I get upset I immediately start looking for a project – a next thing. When my Dad passed away a month ago, I became obsessed with house hunting. I decided I wanted to move. I needed to find a […]

  2. […] just a coincidence, or are we in part floating because our hearts have this big gaping hole from the loss of Daddy? Is this what grieving feels like? Is this what happens after a sudden impact? Does everything you […]

  3. […] of Father’s Day participating in the Capital Area Zero Prostate Cancer Run/Walk in honor of our Daddy/Pop-Pop who lost his battle with Prostate Cancer in January. Last year he was able to participate in this […]

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